The Swedish Mating Game

With the festive season packed away for another year, the sparkling Christmas lights and cosy festive markets were replaced with snow turned to grey sludge and endless dark and cold days. The anticipation that precedes Christmas was replaced by dread at the thought of a long, cold, winter. Charlotta returned from Cork, reclaiming her room in the corridor, and I moved into a flat with four young Swedes.

 They were quite a different kettle of fish from the girls in the corridor. I was now living with a gamer, seemingly allergic to daylight hours (I suppose winter in Sweden was a happy time for him), an IT whiz and martial arts enthusiast, with an impressive collection of swords and an unnerving ability to convey his disapproval of almost everything I did with just an unwavering stare. This caused me to stop whichever offence I was committing at that moment to sit cross-legged on the carpet with hands on knees with the hope that by displaying submission he would be dissuaded from using the opportunity to practise whichever life-snatching move he had learnt that week. There was the self-confessed nymphomaniac whose somewhat vocal, extra-curricular activities, often accompanied by Barry White, drove  me to purchase industrial earplugs, kept close at hand, ready to be employed at any hour of the day. The final one was a rather pleasant med student who didn’t possess any character traits quite as distinctive as the others.

 Around this time a girl I had met on the odd occasion in Christchurch, moved to Lund for a student exchange.  I wouldn’t say Kirsty and I hit it off straight away, but as the saying goes, beggars can’t be choosers, so we persisted.

I won’t lie, as much as I wax lyrical about the wonders of Sweden, winter of 2010 was brutal. Nothing brings people together like shared adversity. It soon became apparent that we both suffered from severe snow allergies. The most noticeable symptom of this debilitating illness is a weight gain of seven kilos overnight. Annoyingly, Swedish girls, having been exposed to the allergens from birth, develop immunity, thus maintaining their already unrivalled title as most disgustingly good-looking breed of the human race. This coupled with our terrible luck with the opposite sex saw us both slip into a bout of low confidence.

It didn’t stop us trying, however. It became a bit of a social experiment for us. After each fruitless night out we would retire to our favourite Turkish establishment, for a post-match play by play over a kebab. The only attention we managed to get was from the charming Turkish men. Using the attention as a balm for our bruised egos saw things getting out of hand one afternoon. So absorbed in inhaling the free fries that were now a foregone conclusion, we failed to notice we were the only customers and, that having closed the doors, three men were now closing in on us. The discussion of dowry soon got our attention however, that, the over-friendly hand on a knee and the other three men appearing from the kitchen. We made a run for it out the open kitchen door, grateful for the first time in our lives for coming from hardy, sheep-tossing stock. You Swedish girls may be beautiful but I’d like to see you spear-tackle six grown men. We didn’t stop running until we had scaled a 2m high fence and came face to face with a bunch of horrified mothers in a playcentre, shielding the eyes of their toddlers from the sight of two strange girls, dresses up around armpits and clutching the remains of their kebabs.

So what conclusions did we draw from our failed attempts to connect with the opposite sex? We had a number of excuses, fat and ugly was a popular one, foreign factor was often used as well. We really began to feel as though we were involved in a game where everyone else but us knew the rules. The mating game is hard enough when dealing your own culture, how were we ever going to figure it out here. It’s not that we were after boyfriends or even, you know, “love for a night,” just a little attention for goodness sake!

One night while discussing the situation over yet another bottle of vodka, unable to face another of our pitiful Bridget Jones ramblings, my flatmate (resident expert) stepped in to offer some advice. After listening to our game plan -make eyes at man in hope that this will be enough for him to get the hint and buy us a drink, she informed us that we needed to be more aggressive, that Swedish men were used to assertive women. She was appalled to learn that neither of us had ever made the first move when it came to boys. We weren’t against the idea, and were all for equality between the sexes. We had just never considered it before.

Emboldened by this new insight we thought we would try it out. Recently I had been finding excuses to go into a phone shop, to perve at the gorgeous sales assistant. My reasons for being there were starting to lose credibility and I was probably either starting to look like a stalker or a really pedantic selector of silicon phone protectors. Deciding this was the perfect opportunity to test out this new information, we devised a plan where I would just walk into the shop and ask him out. The target was busy with another customer when we arrived, so we mulled around the phone accessories for a while. The following is more or less what happened next.

Another Sales Assistant: Can I help you ladies with anything?

Me: No thank you, we’re here to talk to that other guy.

Another Sales Assistant: Raised eyebrows and a knowing smirk

Kirsty: Tries to distract him, with accessory related questioning.

Target is finally available. (Actually that’s something we didn’t factor in, what if he has a girlfriend???)

Target: What can I help you with?

Me: Heart racing, sweat patches no doubt appearing through my 15 layers of clothing.

Ah well actually I have a non-phone related question. Smooth Kate.

Do you want some coffee?  I know this is how it happens in American movies.  I mean only if you’re available.

 Other customers begin start to look over.

Target: Looking quite taken aback and uncomfortable. Uuuuuuuuuuuum yeah, I’ll think about it.

Me: Taking this as a promising sign, I stand there grinning like gormless twit, (we didn’t rehearse this far in.)

Target: Ah, do you want to give me your number?

Me:  Oh yeah, ok.  Actually I don’t know my number.

By this stage quite a crowd has gathered and are beginning to enjoy the show.

I have to ask Kirsty for my number, so the other sales assistant escorts her over to us clearly not wanting to miss this.

Kirsty has just lost another phone so doesn’t have my number either.

Target: Asks for my full name and date of birth.

Me:  Feeling a little insulted. I’m not too old for you.

Target: Obviously eager to get the nutcase out of his store, informs me that as this is a phone shop, he is able to find my number with a few quick clicks on the screen in front of him, if I would just give him the information.

Triumphant that a boy has asked for my number, we turn to leave the store.

Target: Hey, my name is Christian.

Pfft and?

We found a glass of wine and settled in to debrief. We were both feeling emotionally drained. Kirsty’s heart was thumping so hard during the whole episode; she didn’t hear all that was said. Feeling empowered, we declared that from now on this is how we would approach the problem.

I was looking forward to the next part of the experiment, where the boy would call and we would take that coffee. At that time I had been having a few problems with the taxi driver who until recently drove me to work for “free”. As a precaution, I answered all unidentified calls as Janet. So when one of these calls came through, and Janet answered, the guy, flustered, apologised, saying he was looking for Kate. Realising it was Phone Shop Boy I quickly reassured him that it really was Kate and I only said Janet because I had a Kurdish taxi driver called Azad stalking me. He hung up pretty quickly.

God Jul; Christmas time in Sweden

Lund is a beautiful small university town in the very south of Sweden. With incredible old buildings and a heaving student atmosphere I was lucky to end up in a corridor with eight girls’ right in the centre. Attached to our building was a catering company which I talked into giving me a few hours a week, so I only had to walk through our living room door to get to work.

As mentioned earlier, the Swedes have a reputation of being a tough nut to crack. Some describe them as being cold. I can understand how this misconception may arise. Some of the greatest, truly kind hearted people I know are Swedish. As an outsider however, it may take a while to infiltrate their tight social groups. New Zealanders are known for being open people, happily welcoming strangers into their homes. You may meet someone for the first time, exchange numbers and arrange to socialise later on, and generally speaking forming these social connections is fairly simple.

 The first month in Lund was a struggle. I had trouble finding a proper job and couldn’t seem to make friends with the girls. They were all friendly and polite, but all had their own friends and things to do. I would wait for the invitation to join them that would be instantaneous in New Zealand. It was the first time I had ever had to think about how to make friends. It almost felt like being in the dating game. However I remember the moment I felt as though I had been accepted into the group. We had a corridor breakfast where everybody contributed and sat around the table for hours chatting away. From then on the girls were so open and kind and genuine towards me. My friendships with each of these girls are as genuine as only my oldest school friendships and a select few others. You have to earn your friendships, but once you have, the friendship is far more rewarding than one more easily gained. A word from the wise. If you wish to make Swedish friends in Sweden quickly, go when the sun is shining.
 

The girls I lived with were all weird and wonderful in their own way. They encouraged me to speak Swedish, without the greatest results unfortunately, but the effort was appreciated. Swedes really know how to make a place cosy and homely. There was always the smell of baking wafting through the corridor, breakfast was eaten together and regularly someone would make everyone dinner, where we would all sit around the big table, properly laid with candles and plenty of wine. Here we would sit up for hours as girls everywhere do talking about the same things I would talk about with my girlfriends at home.

It was harder than anticipated to find a more permanent job. It was only after bumping into a fellow kiwi in Malmo (a bigger city ten minutes away by train and another 30 minutes away from Copenhagen) who was also in the food industry and who put in a good word for me with his friends at the Hilton, did I have success. I started off in the catering kitchen on a short term basis in the lead up to Christmas. This was quite a change from the tiny one person kitchen in Kvinnaböske. In total there were five kitchens and more than 15 chefs with only five of us girls. To be honest a place like the Hilton is essentially a high class fast food joint, but I was certainly in no position to be picky. After Christmas a place opened up for the breakfast shift, which I was lucky enough to be offered. (Although I didn’t feel so fortunate during my daily commute, which involved being up at 4am, literally walking through snow for half an hour to catch the train to Malmo, then sprinting to the bus which took me to work to start at 5.30). An environment like the one at the Hilton is probably one of the better ways to pick up a language fast. Being constantly surrounded by it, others not having time  to stop to speak English and having to place daily orders in Swedish meant I finally made a bit of progress with the language. It was here in a very male dominated environment that I also picked up the most disgusting Swedish any of my other friends had ever heard.

If you are a great lover of all things Christmas, Sweden is the place to be. Christmas starts early here with festivities beginning in late November, early December and continuing through to mid-January. Celebrations begin with Advent, four Sundays before Christmas. A candle is lit every week until Christmas. Every morning in the corridor everyone would gather to watch the years Christmas themed Advent program on TV. In the afternoons ,fika ( Swedish afternoon tea) consisted of pepparkakor ( ginger snaps) washed down with glasses of glögg, a spiced, red wine based drink, warmed with raisins and slivered almonds added at the end.

On the dawn of the 13th, Lucia processions take place around the country. Young girls dressed as angels, sing traditional carols while the public warm themselves with more glögg and delicious saffron buns.

As Christmas approached, we were kept busy at the Hilton with countless Julbord bookings. Julbord is smörgåsbord gone crazy with Christmas fever. Office parties feasted on Christmas ham, smoked eel, boiled eggs topped with caviar, gravlax, boiled potatoes slathered in dill butter, liver pate, pork sausages, lutfisk (a fish preserved in a similar fashion to the Spanish Bacalao, and usually saved especially for Christmas time) and of course no Swedish table would be complete without a variety of pickled herring and copious amounts of beer and schnapps. Traditional Christmas dessert is a sweet, creamy rice pudding with a single almond hidden within. It is said, the lucky (or not, depending on your own view) person who gets the almond, will be the next to be married.

Despite the fact it was dark outside by the time work had finished at 3pm, the walk home every day in the lead up the Christmas, was magical. Every shop had extravagant decorations in the bid to outdo each other for the best window display. Stalls lined the main street of Malmo offering all things Christmas. The smell of roasting chestnuts wafting through the air, intricate Christmas lights, lighting a path to the train station, temporary ice skating rinks with adults and children all entering the festive spirit. Topped off with plenty of snow and Christmas music, Christmas finally made a bit of sense (from a secular point of view at least). I imagine Father Christmas (or Tomten in Swedish) would be a lot more comfortable here than at home, where the poor thing has to suffer through the season, sweating away in his thick, woollen get up, as we sing inherited carols about sleigh bells and snow, all the while contemplating whether or not we have time to nip to the beach before finishing our Christmas shopping!

A few days before Christmas, I made my way ‘home’ to Karin’s at Kvinnaböske. Out in countryside where the snow reaches up to the fence lines and is as yet untouched and pure white, in the stillness that comes with snowfall you can almost hear the jingle of a sleigh, as the fat bearded man in red, begins his deliveries. Christmas day here is celebrated on the 24th. With gifts wrapped and waiting under the tree, house spotless and every spare surface occupied by burning candles. Everyone enjoys a long meal from the Julbord, until 3pm when the whole household gather around to watch Donald Duck on TV, (an interesting variation of the Queens speech). Finally it’s time for the best part; the opening of the presents.Previously I had theorised that with the time difference between the two hemispheres, if he worked really quickly, it was conceivable that Father Christmas might manage to deliver to all children before the dawn of the 25th. With the fresh knowledge that children in the Northern hemisphere have been opening their gifts at roughly the same time as children in the Southern hemisphere, a niggling doubt has crept into my mind.

While nothing beats Christmas at home with my family and our own peculiar traditions, having the girls in the corridor enthusiastically including me in their own traditions and to spend my first white Christmas at Karin’s with her family who all spoiled me ridiculously, is something I won’t soon forget.